Somewhere in Time

August 24, 2009

(soon after it happened)

i was twenty two earlier now im twenty three. i am more in touch with my computer. everyday is hard, or not hard exactly, its more like a part of me ignores that i am crying. its not what i thought it would be. although i am crying its not intolerable… there is comfort buried in it somewhere. but now… i am smoking, [redacted], eating more than ever. i wake up uneasy until i can consume, coffee, cigarettes, [redacted] its just scary, but i did appreciate it, i really did in the times i held him and dreaded this moment… was dread the act of appreciation…? i remember crying, youre going to die… although i pictured both of us mch older, such images ring so falsely now. how natural it was to love you completely, it was such a part pf myself and i had already felt it leaving… i trusted that it was the same for you, and i know you love me, but now i know how it cannot have been the same. i need you
i miss you so much
i cant see the future
i have never wanted anything so badly
and never really wanted anything i was certain i couldnt have.

you could hurt me so much that i
had to create distance
there was the instinct to make things more normal
to imitate what i saw in others
to free myself from your wisdom there could have been no answer
pain is the outcome of every case
you might have been thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen twentythree.

in any of these scenes
it would always be me
who failed to pull you from the rails

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